6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
