She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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