I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
