Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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