He uses pillows to masturbate.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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