You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Mom said you looked used
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
