I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
