I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
