And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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