My room smells like vodka and shame
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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