You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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