I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
