I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
