Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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