I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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