i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
