I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
