I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
