we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
