eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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