I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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