If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
