Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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