Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
