Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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