I didn't shave. On purpose
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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