2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry about my life...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
