Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
