whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
