He is such a slut. More and more my type.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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