i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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