Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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