take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
