Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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