Define "chronic" masturbator.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
