Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
