drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am one with the molecules
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
