If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
