Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
