Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
