I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
