dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
