You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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