Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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