96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
