Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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