All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
