There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize