I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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