bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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