I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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