i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
