I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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