yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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