Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize