...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
