so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
