I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
