Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
