We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
