drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
